


The Cracks in Our Theories

by cherrytruck



Series: The Birkin Files [15]
Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/M, Gen, M/M, Mostly lighthearted crack, but there are some serious moments too, see chapter notes for more details
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-20 14:11:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 7,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9494978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrytruck/pseuds/cherrytruck
Summary: A collection of short drabbles about Birkin and Wesker. Most are comedy scenarios and making fun of their lives at Umbrella. (Ratings will vary between G and T (lol G and T Viruses) but most are G-rated, check the beginning notes at each chapter for more details.)





	1. Too Practical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin needs to teach Wesker some basic concepts, and wastes no time in their lessons - not even letting a toilet break get in the way.  
> Rating: G  
> No warnings but it takes place in a toilet so expect some potty humour?

As Albert still had to listen to Birkin's mini-lecture, he was dragged in with him into the Gent’s.  
  
Being inside there didn't stop Birkin continuing on. “So the idea is that the test tubes containing blood will mimic an infection through the intravenous route while the cell cultures are mostly of muscle cell lineage and will show if intramuscular injection will suffice. The problem with direct to blood is that it may cause a septic reaction before the benefits arise.” Birkin closed the cubicle door without expecting him to follow inside. Thank goodness.  
  
“Got it. Shall I let you be now?”  
  
“Wait. I need to explain how each injection is different. You see on TV that doctors just inject needles right into people, but you’ve got to understand that isn’t how it works all the time.” Wesker then heard the zipper go down after Birkin said that. “For intravenous you need to find access to a vessel, it’s very specific. In fact, let me show you-”  
  
“No,” Wesker protested before the door could be opened. “Show me later.”  
  
“All right. Intramuscular is the one where you directly inject it into an arm or your leg without needing a specific area.” By this time Wesker thought he heard a sound he really didn’t need to hear from his colleague.  
  
“I got that. Can I please go?”  
  
“Why are you in such a hurry?” Wesker heard a flush – all right, so Birkin wasn’t completely mad. Maybe. “This is a great opportunity for me to teach you about other routes of infection. You know another common route of infection is faecal-oral...”  
  
“William!” The scent around him really wasn’t helping. Wesker had it up to this point.  
  
“Oh come on, you too are a fellow scientist. And you're studying in virology of all things. You cannot shy away from these topics if you are going to master it. You have to know every single detail, every single fact, you need that curiosity to drive your motivation – hey, Albert, are you listening?”  
  
By now, Wesker had long left the restroom.


	2. Worthless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin is in a less than patient mood, and it gets worse when Wesker messes up.  
> Rating: G

Birkin looked more than offended after he had finished making microscope slides out of the petri dish cultures Wesker had prepared for him. "This is absolutely useless! There's no virus inside these cells at all!"

"Viruses can be unpredictable, but it happens. In any case, I do apologize for the inconvenience."

"Are you serious?" Birkin took his eyes away from the microscope to gaze daggers towards him. "You didn't prepare these dishes properly from the start! I told you that you had to prepare the gel nice and slowly, not rush through it! What temperature did you set the incubator to?"

"I believe it was 45 degrees."

"45 degrees! No wonder! You were supposed to put it at 35! It makes all the difference!" The good doctor looked like he was about to lose his balance. "We're wasting time and resources here! How did I even agree to let you be my assistant again?!"

He knew Birkin was just somewhat more impatient and agitated today. But he had a point - Wesker wasn't the best researcher around these facilities, yet Birkin only chose him as his trusted partner because he knew what charmed Birkin. Wesker only put up with him because he used Birkin as much as Birkin used him.

He was simply better at hiding his emotions.


	3. Prank Gone Wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin decides to use a virus as a prank, but it escalates more than he anticipated.  
> Maybe I'll give this one a T rating, for very slightly graphic medical procedures...

Birkin can't control his snickers when he sees Albert consume the infected coffee mug.

It's just a small virus, a harmless prank. All it'll do is make him sneeze and cough out blue mucus. Now wasn't that a creative way to have fun with viruses?

A few hours later, and his colleague complains of symptoms.

"I'm not feeling well." He coughs. "Perhaps I've finally caught something from this lab."

Birkin does his best not to burst out laughing. "Oh no, that's a shame. What's wrong with you?"

"My stomach's been grumbling and I have a horrible headache. I'm starting not to be able to see anything..." He takes his sunglasses off - oh shit, his eyes have gone blue. That wasn't part of the prank.

Albert coughs again, but it's blood mixed with blue. It's getting worse.

Crap. What has he done?

"Albert! Hold on!" He knows the virus is only supposed to last a few hours after ingestion, but short of finding a vaccine for it, which he didn't think would be necessary, the only way to remove it is through speeding up the excretion process. He grabs a tray full of needles and equipment, then he makes Albert lay on the table and practically rips off his labcoat.

"William...w-what's going on?"

"I um..." No, he'll explain later. If Albert even lives to hear of it. He plunges a big needle into Albert's arm and begins a rapid infusion of fluids. It's going to take away more dignity than Albert deserves, but he also has no choice but to pull down his trousers and hold onto his penis as he inserts a catheter up through it.

It seems to work - he's passing urine. It looks blue. Oh God.

The infusion finishes and Albert seems to be doing better. His eyes have gone back to its usual colour.

"I'm sorry, Albert. This is my fault."

"It is? Well, I knew you weren't exactly the best with your aseptic techniques, but I suppose it had to happen one day."

"No, I did this on purpose...it was supposed to just be a bit of fun and make you sneeze out blue, but I didn't realize the virus would put you under such distress." He feels himself blushing in deep shame.

"Huh. Well." Albert doesn't look that angered, though perhaps the fact that he's put back on the sunglasses help hide his emotions. "Perhaps you should quit your job before you start killing anyone else...unintentionally."

That makes Birkin genuinely laugh.


	4. John Doe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wesker notices something is off with Birkin as he starts saying inappropriate things on the dissection table.  
> Rating: T

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I assure you nothing upsetting happens in this story, I should probably warn just in case: It does take place in a dissection lab (though nothing really happens), there's some very mild necrophilic tones and there is reference to potential drug abuse.
> 
> The fic is actually a parody of some writings in slash where people think it's a good idea to describe anatomy in such a grim way and think it's hot. I mean if you're trying to be on disturbing on purpose that's one thing, it's more like people writing some kind of happy fluffy romance and thinking saying things like "he wanted to dig through skin and feel the individual fibres and bone" makes it sound more like some weird autopsy scene than a love scene. Hence...this fic.

Wesker didn't usually come to this part of the facility. By now he was numb to the atrocities happening beneath the floors of Umbrella, and if anything, perhaps dealing with the dead was somewhat easier to stomach.

So when Birkin wheeled in a body, Wesker maintained his composition, though the sunglasses helped with that facade.

“You usually deal with life rather than death itself,” Wesker said, genuinely not realising the irony of that statement until after he said it. “What made you decide to perform a postmortem of this gentleman?”

“Viruses are neither life nor death… Or perhaps they're both. What do you think?” Birkin opened up the zip containing the unfortunate victim, who otherwise only looked as if he were asleep. Wesker wasn't sure if that question was rhetorical or not. “As for this postmortem? Well, I just find this male body so fascinating. He stood out from me from the other men, he's a fit and healthy guy with a good build and muscles so firm that he looked like he was in rigor mortis before he even passed away. I want to feel that skin...I’m so enchanted.”

Now Wesker was really scared. He already knew for a long time that Birkin was a complete monster with no concept of ethics, but surely this wasn't the way to be taking about test subjects - dead ones at that.

“Birkin…are you all right?” Wesker approached him and his suspicions weren't so far off - William smelled like he was high on something.

“Oh yes! I just…I feel this is the best blessing I can give to this young gentleman to pay my respects before I go and reach for that heart...I mean, to analyse it and see why he even got a heart attack after the virus injection. But damn, that's deep, isn't it? You think he ever found love in his life? Not that the heart even is an organ much to do with love, though you do need the heart for the brain which is the part that makes people love one another. I mean… Damn.”

Now Wesker knew this guy wasn't in any position to be near knives. He instantly pulled Birkin away and dragged him through the door.

“Hey, Albert! What are you doing? My guy needs me!”

“He can wait. I’ll put him back until you sober up.” It was absurd to think he wanted to protect both Birkin and this John Doe from one another, but Wesker hadn't completely lost his morals - yet.


	5. Opera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin shares one of his hidden interests with Annette and Wesker - Opera.  
> Rating: G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got this idea after listening to the Malformation of G soundtracks. I randomly said "William's so posh he has opera in his battle theme" and...yeah.  
> 

William liked visiting the Opera Theatre every once in a while. He had a habit of going to one at least once before every Christmas, going as far as planning to get the best seat tickets days before the event. He brought along his wife, who was a few months into her pregnancy, and his trusty colleague Wesker - both of whom didn’t seem familiar with his random interest in theatrics.

It was the third act, and the play was getting intense. The plot was rather ridiculous – but that was the charm of the entertainment. It was about a woman who rejected a man who was in love with her, and in his hopeless heartbreak, he made a deal with the Devil to win her love, only for the deal to backfire and have him turn into some kind of demon. Yes, William was able to deal with illogical fantasy as long as it stayed outside of his workplace.

The monster on the stage was now chasing the soprano as she ran all over with her overflowing dress, singing strong beats of fear, but in a pitch so high that nobody could really make out the lyrics she was singing to. Still, it was excellent music. Even a scientist like him could appreciate the arts when it was done with such effort and passion.

William felt a hand grabbing onto his – it was Annette, who looked like she was getting a little overwhelmed by the experience. He looked towards her. “Are you all right, my dear?”

“Y-yes, just getting the palpitations again…um, I’ll be ok.” She had to take a few deep breaths, but a kiss on her cheek appeared to calm her down.

William then turned towards Wesker, who had his arms crossed and remained perfectly still, face as neutral as ever. Typical Albert.


	6. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin is given the task of looking after Sherry on his own in Annette's absence, though being close to home makes William realize he is never truly alone.  
> Rating: G

For once Birkin was the one left to look after Sherry for himself at home. Annette also had the job of maintaining the image of being a legitimate researcher, and so it was her turn to attend one of those international conventions that they were expected to show up every now and then.

But Birkin struggled, as he had never done anything like this before. He slowly became absent in much of Sherry's early life and missed out on picking up many parenting skills he knew he should have had. It was perhaps the time to catch up, but he couldn't do it alone.

Wesker pushed the trolley as Birkin continued stuffing it with whatever items were on his list. It was obvious from their demeanour that neither man was familiar with the groceries, with Wesker constantly bumping into other trolleys and Birkin not knowing where to find the things they needed.

“All right…we got the eggs, the sweets, the drinks and the bread and everything else from this shopping list.” Birkin felt like he was forgetting something despite ticking off all the items, but couldn't put his finger on it.

“Then let's go. We’re already behind schedule.” Wesker was clearly not enjoying this.

~

“Sherry, we're home!” Birkin struggled to fit through the door with the many bags he was holding, though he made Wesker carry the majority of them.

“Dad!” Sherry came running down, looking angelic as ever. “You got the funny sunglass guy here too!”

“His name is Albert,” Birkin reminded her, though he did agree with the sentiment. “I'm sure he's happy that you remember him.”

He looked towards Wesker who didn't seem to adjust his presence for Sherry. Or perhaps he did try, but he knew Wesker was completely clueless around children, and would simply act more awkward around them.

“Albert, it's not sunny here." Sherry laughed. "You don't need sunglasses!”

Wesker must have rolled his eyes.

~

“She needs to what?”

“She's supposed to bring cupcakes to school which are home baked, it's part of some project, I completely forgot…” Annette sighed on the other end of the phone. “I thought to just buy some from the shop but Sherry really wanted to make her own. She's quite the keen one. All the ingredients should be there in the kitchen, and there's a recipe book...somewhere. Anyway, I have to go back now. William, save me. This convention is becoming an ego standoff and I’m not getting a chance to say anything.”

Birkin laughed. “Isn't that their true purpose?”

A few moments later, Birkin tried to figure out the recipe from an old cook book that they had lying around the kitchen for years unopened. It wasn't all that different from instructions in the lab, now that he thought about it. It was just that he was completely unfamiliar with the ingredients.

It was quite a relief that the process went smoothly - for the most part. None of them wore aprons although Wesker reminded them to constantly wash their hands, a habit Birkin was used to.

“It says we need to crack the eggs into the mixture,” Wesker read out. “May I?”

It amused Birkin that even Wesker was getting into all of this. They had both spent far too much time in the lab that they forgot this was what they were missing out on. Life at home, with family, only laughter and smiles.

Sherry tried doing something with a pack of flour, but then the dust got into her eyes. “Aaah! I can't see!”

“This is why you need sunglasses,” Wesker said with victory. Birkin shook his head at Wesker and pulled Sherry near the sink to wash her eyes.

~

Late evening had approached, and it was nearly time for everyone to tuck in. As they waited for Sherry to finish using the bathroom, Birkin laid on his bed while Wesker leaned slightly on the desk. They both figured it wouldn't be appropriate to share the bed just because Wesker agreed to be the house uncle for the day.

“Sherry's growing up real fast. I feel like there are so many potential moments with her I've lost as a result of my work.” Birkin looked up at the ceiling, a sight that felt more strange than homely.

Wesker didn't respond. Birkin knew he wasn't really interested in the family business and that he only agreed to help Birkin out of their friendship, and also mainly because Birkin put him out of work for the week after saying he didn't trust a substitute scientist to work on the T-Virus alongside Wesker during his absence.

“Anyway, Albert…thank you for your help." Birkin owed him that at the very least. He thought that it would be much harder to look after Sherry, but he remembered Sherry was a good girl - his girl. And William could always count on others to help. "I'm glad I could share this part of my life with you.”

Wesker did smile, at least. He was about to say something, but they were interrupted by a call from Sherry.

“Dad! There's no toilet paper left!”

“...toilet paper. That's what we forgot.” Birkin face palmed himself.


	7. I.D

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin needs his ID card privileges updated. His photo causes some confusion.  
> Rating: G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the fact that I was trying to solve this mystery of where all these different renders of Birkin came from. So [this picture](http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/residentevil/images/f/fa/Birkin.png/revision/latest?cb=20151202151455) and [this one](http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/residentevil/images/1/1d/Dr._William_Birkin_03.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20110830162341) are both from Resident Evil 0. I thought, no way. The two look completely different. What gives?!
> 
> Mystery solved: The first picture was released for the RE0 remaster, which explains how he suddenly got way more polygons. But this whole time I assumed it was his model from Darkside Chronicles. I love fresh faced William but in a lot of my fics I also like to keep pointing out he's not aged well because I'm mean like that. So you can have the best of both worlds here.

Birkin visited an unfamiliar part of Umbrella, namely, the security reception, while accompanied by Wesker. Even after all these years at Umbrella he still sometimes got lost. The girl at the desk looked young, eyes too bright to have been an employee for a long enough time to know the truth about this place.

The receptionist looked up. “Yes, may I help you, sir?”

“That's Doctor.” Birkin knew right there that she must have been new. “I'd like access to the security labs, please. My colleague Albert Wesker made this request and has given permission for me to have access.” He then handed over his card on the desk.

The receptionist looked at the card and seemed to raise an eyebrow. She then looked at Birkin, then back at the card, then back at him.

“Um. Sorry, can you confirm your name for me please?”

Birkin blinked. “What? You've got my name on the card right there. It's Dr William Birkin.”

The receptionist typed something on the computer. She still looked confused. “Can you tell me your date of birth?”

“10th August 1962.” Even after having confirmed this, the receptionist didn't look convinced for whatever reason. She then turned towards Wesker as if she needed more information.

“Yes, please go on ahead.” Wesker looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh.

“All right…”After a few moments, she handed the card back to Birkin. “Thank you, have a good day...Doctor.”

Birkin smiled, the first time since he began to engage with this young employee. “Thanks, you too.”

The duo walked back to the canteen for a quick coffee break. Wesker finally let out a laugh, after he took a look at Birkin's card.

“Albert, what's so funny?”

“You know why the woman on the desk was confused?” Wesker held up the card next to Birkin's face. “You need a new photo. When was this taken, fifteen years ago? You look nothing like your heydays anymore, William.”

“What do you mean?!” Birkin grabbed the card and looked at it. Yes, he was younger looking, but what did anyone expect with an old photo? It wasn't like he was a completely different person.

~

Birkin never really had enough time to really take a good look at his own reflection, but in this instance he caught himself actually paying attention to the bathroom mirror rather than only relying on his peripheral vision.

When he looked at himself, he realised just how much older and unhealthier he appeared. Not just older in general - skin and eyes looked paler and his eye bags looked heavier than weights.

“Damn. I really do look nothing like my picture anymore.” Birkin looked down the sink and sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made up Birkin's birthday, I know it's 1962 but the rest I made up lol


	8. Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin has a night of being passive aggressive from pent-up feelings.  
> Rating: G

Though he feels inspiration through his veins, it frustrates him that he can't share this feelings with anyone else. It's a top secret project, so he can't tell the world of his wonders. His wife puts up with him enough as it is. Sherry is too young to understand. Wesker has not been interested in the sciences for quite a while, something that had perhaps already happened before they declared the T-Virus project as complete.

It sometimes feels as though nobody cares about the brilliant William Birkin's work.

Sometimes he visits Wesker in the security office, the closest thing he gets to a break. But it looks as though Wesker is always occupied. Clearly something else is more important to him than the G-Virus.

He greets Wesker and asks how he's doing. Wesker responds with the usual, and doesn't say much beyond the fact that he's frustrated with his own job difficulties.

 _What do you know about difficult?_ Birkin reserves no sympathy for him. _You chose this path. You don't understand how difficult it is for me as well._

The room then becomes silent, only with lights flickering around their faces to provide any kind of stimulus. Whatever previous feelings of welcome existed in this room was no longer here.

Birkin is about to leave. Surprisingly Wesker speaks out.

“Are you all right, Birkin?”

He pauses for one moment. “I'm fine.” He's not, but it's easier to say that than to explain.

“You seem a little bothered. May I be of any help?”

Perhaps he is bothered, but it's for a stupid reason, he knows. He can't explain it. Wesker is as good as ever in reading his emotions, but he doesn't deserve to be loaded with his baggage at this moment. He decides to hold back.

“Not really, but thanks. Perhaps I'll see you tomorrow.”

Birkin doesn't look at Wesker before he makes his leave.

~

Later in the night - or perhaps morning, he can't tell - he's still up and awake working on his project. He begins to contemplate that perhaps he is excessively passionate about all of this. Maybe that's why nobody cares, they're fed up of him and his little gimmicks. He shouldn't have expected more when he got himself into this.

Maybe he was feeling the lack of sleep catching onto him. Just one more hour and he'll sleep. He heads to the coffee machine for now.

He's surprised to see Wesker is also there. He doesn't usually stay up this late.

“Wesker, what are you doing here?”

“Birkin, I knew it was you from those fast footsteps. I suppose we're both burning the midnight oil.” When Wesker turns around, he isn't wearing any glasses. He's also holding some papers. “Hey, I printed out a copy of your notes on the G-Virus which actually kept me up all night. I hope you don't mind.”

Oh? Was Wesker that intrigued by his project in the end?

“Why would you do that? Get some sleep,” Birkin tells him, dismissing the compliment as well as his own hypocrisy as he orders himself a coffee - though he goes soft and picks a mocha. It's been a while since he last tasted one.

“Well, it is a fascinating development. You've come so far since our days of working on the T Virus. It's kept me interested enough to stay here after hours to read. The way you write your notes is full of your personality. I must admit, I do miss working with you in the labs.”

It is nice to hear - in fact that's exactly what Birkin wants to hear. But he's convinced Wesker is only trying to win pity points from him, for whatever reason.

“I'm glad you think so.” He realises it comes across with more scorn than intended, but Wesker probably won't notice. His cup is now filled and he gets ready to take off.

“Not sticking around? I thought it would be a nice time to talk about your project and learn more about where the G-Virus is going from the man himself.”

Birkin raises his eyes. “You mean it?”

“Of course. I always want to know what you are up to, even if I am no longer in the labs.” Wesker pats Birkin on the shoulder, and he feels himself smiling.

The mocha was a good choice after all.


	9. Guacamole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin stumbles across someone familiar when he orders out food.  
> Rating: G

"I'd like a chicken burrito with double guacamole and spice," William orders, not looking at the cashier in front of him as he is too busy trying to find which pocket he's put his credit card in. He's not used to it if it isn't his labcoat.

"That'll be seven dollars."

That voice sounds familiar. He looks up. The cashier is wearing shades.

"Albert?"

"Yes."

"What do you mean, 'yes'?! What are you doing here?!"

There doesn't seem to be a queue behind him, so Wesker is forced to converse. "Figured I needed some extra money."

"Albert..." He looks behind the scenes and the kitchen looks a hectic place, possibly even more than his own lab. At least the lab is quiet. "You don't have to put up with this. If you're in trouble then you know I'm always here to help you out. I've got the money, and I don't care for it."

"Ok. But you still haven't paid the seven dollars for your burrito."

"Oh. Right." He inserts the card and Wesker makes his order.


	10. I Would Rather Dye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin gets a hair colour treatment.  
> Rating: G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I know I already wrote a drabble about one of his many hair colours but I just realized like a million years later that WESKER DYED JILL'S HAIR LIKE?? How does he have time for this?! I think it'd be amusing to imagine Wesker has had practice before.

While Birkin was busy reading files in the dark room, he felt fingers on his hair. He was too focussed to question it, until Wesker spoke.

“You’re going grey again.”

“Ugh." He wasn't sure how Wesker was even able to notice such details in a dim lit area, with sunglasses in the way of his eyes to top it off. "Albert, the last time I attempted a dye job it was a disaster. And I’m not paying to waste time at the hairdressers again.” There was too much work to be done to bother with self-consciousness any longer.

“Then perhaps you can let me do something about it,” Wesker proposed. Now he was just starting to sound silly and annoying. More than usual.

“What will you do? Use your electric face razor to get rid of it completely? Go ahead.” Birkin felt like he had used up his witty meter for the day. He just wanted to go back and concentrate on his G-Virus results.

“Of course not. But I’d do quite a quick job of it.” Wesker ruffled Birkin’s hair. “Come over to my place later and I’ll fix you up with some drinks to make it worth your time - and you can continue to read your never-ending files as I’m patching you up.”

~

Birkin was still reading his files as he let Wesker do whatever it was on his head. It was actually easier to read in a well-lit room, though the extra sensations of a massage from Wesker’s fingers made him feel relaxed – too relaxed.

“So, Birkin.” Wesker broke the silence. “How much sleep are you getting these days?”

The mention of that one word made Birkin let out a light yawn. “Mmm…just barely enough.  I don’t let myself lay for more than four hours for each day.”

“Four hours? That can’t be good for your head.”

“I didn’t come here for some health guru advice.” Birkin sighed, turning another page. “How long will this take?”

“Give it a few more minutes. Good things come to those who wait – much like you and your new virus.” Wesker leaned over closer to Birkin’s face to give himself a view of the files. “It looks most complicated. I can’t remember how to interpret these results anymore. It seems I’m losing my touch.”

“Did you ever have one to begin with? You were never very good at the statistics,” Birkin joked. In reality they both knew it was just good fun. No amount of encouragement to be nasty to one another would work when it came to getting in the way of their friendship.

“Touché, William.”

The minutes passed and Wesker had Birkin lay his head down the sink to wash away the contents. The water was a little too hot, but Birkin decided not to complain if it meant adjusting the tap would prolong the time that he couldn’t keep his gaze on his G-Virus files.

He did his best to keep reading as Wesker towel dried his head, but it became difficult when the towel kept getting in front of him. He again decided not to challenge Wesker about it – after all, he was getting a favour from him.

~

Wesker put his hands in front of Birkin’s eyes as he walked blindly to wherever Wesker was leading him. Probably the bathroom again – Birkin was familiar enough with the layout of the house to imagine it in his head.

“All right, Dr Birkin. Are you ready for your new look?”

“Oh, just let me get this over with so I can finish up this report.”

“So ungrateful.” Wesker chuckled and slowly released his hands, as Birkin focussed in on the image that was his own reflection.

“It’s…” Birkin placed his own hand on his fringe to stroke and feel how soft it was. Wesker really chose the best colour for him. It wasn’t too bright, and not too dark either. It was a natural colour that matched so well with his complexion that his skin didn’t look as if it were too pale. He felt as if a couple of years were taken from his age. He smiled. “I really like it, Albert. Thank you.”

“Excellent.” Wesker placed a hand on Birkin’s shoulder. “Perhaps now Annette will love you again.”

“Albert, please.” Birkin still had the papers in his hands, but he chose to leave them alone for the moment as he continued to appreciate his new refreshed look.


	11. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wesker keeps looking at Chris Redfield's files while preparing for his test for the T-Virus. Birkin starts to let his insecurity get the better of him.  
> Rating: G

Birkin enters the dark security room, the closest thing to taking a break from his work. He's really only supposed to have access to his labs, but he's the only man in a white coat to be allowed in this room due to his close ties with Albert.

He sees Wesker is hard at work again. Must have been preparing for his T-Virus combat data. He has been working on it intensely for the past few days. It almost reminds Birkin of how he was like himself when he obsessed over his own computer screens in his labs.

He's been visiting Wesker a few times, but he notices by now he's starting to recognize the face of this particular man. He even remembers the name. Chris Redfield.

Birkin leans over behind Wesker. "You keep looking at this man. What's the fascination here?"

Wesker seems to immediately click and change the screen. "Oh, he's just one of the test subjects."

"How much information do you really need about him if he's going to be a disposable test subject? I mean, I assume all you need to know is he's a healthy human being. You don't need my doctor's opinion to assess this, do you?"

"No! No..." Wesker looks a little jumpier than usual. What is with him?

"Well, if you insist. I hope you have more than one test subject in mind though, because data of just one man isn't going to be sufficient. I know science is no longer your thing, but I also hope you haven't forgotten everything we have learned together." Birkin said it as a joke, but now he really starts to wonder.

"Of course not." Wesker then turns back to the screen. He seems to be idling around now that Birkin is watching.

~

Birkin has some good news on the G-Virus progress. He eagerly runs to Wesker's security room, and-

Why is Chris on the screen again?

"Albert, you're still looking at this Chris guy."

Wesker shakes a little and turns around. "Oh, I wasn't expecting you..."

"I thought we were friends enough for me to be able to come in without knocking, but excuse me if I am mistaken." Birkin briskly walks towards Wesker and puts a collection of papers on his desk. "Anyway, I thought you might be interested to see how the G-Virus is doing. I'd appreciate any input of yours."

"I will take a look later. For now I need to focus on the T-Virus first." Wesker doesn't even look at the papers.

He was clearly more interested in this Chris guy, for whatever reason.

~

Birkin knows Wesker's hours, and when he isn't in the room. So one night, he sneaks in. He needs to find out what this secret about Chris Redfield is.

He needs to log into Wesker's computer. Crap. He's become a little too distant from Wesker to know what is on his mind.

Tvirus.

"Access denied."

Sunglass.

"Access denied."

Chris.

"Access denied."

"Ugh. What else would he put in?" He could start punching in 'tvirus1' and so on and forth, but nobody in Umbrella had such secure passwords. It has to be something more obvious.

Birkin jumps when he hears the door open.

"Who's there? ...Birkin? What are you doing here?"

Why is Wesker back here so early?

"Oh, uh...I left something in here. Sorry." The G-Virus files are still there, and he picks them up. _Nice save._ He starts to walk away, but Wesker puts his hand out and stops him.

"I can see you've been trying to log in to my PC."

_Damnit._

"...and you know, if you are so curious about my new study, you could have just asked nicely. I'm surprised you weren't able to gain access, though. I thought you'd know my password by now."

"Um." Birkin doesn't know what to say. He's not sure if Wesker has sussed out his jealousy for Chris or if he thinks Birkin is genuinely interested in his new silly T-Virus project.

"What did you try to input at first? I know you gave it a few tries, since I heard you typing away before I opened the door."

Was Wesker watching him all this time? Birkin sighs. "Fine, you got me. I tried Tvirus, sunglasss and...uh." He can't tell him the last one. "Egg." Phew.

"Oh, don't be so silly." Wesker guides Birkin back to his computer. "Try typing in your first name, William."

What? Is he serious?

He types it in. He's able to log in.

All the files are there. He briefly skims through them all. He takes a few seconds longer on Chris's profile, but there seems to be nothing particularly interesting about him. His question has been answered.

"So, Birkin, what do you think?"

"I think you need to change that password, because that's horribly insecure," Birkin tells him bluntly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: In Umbrella Chronicles it seems like Wesker has 8 characters in his password. That's 1 too many for "william", but it's not such a stretch to think he made it "william1" after getting told off. omg its confirmed, capcom are illuminati


	12. Escorting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very short drabble on Wesker confronting Chris at the mansion.  
> Rating: G

Wesker remembers feeling the same kind of thrill he had taunting Dr Marcus - except now he has no partner in crime to share the fun with, but at least he learned a few witty lines from him. He looks at Chris, that poor skinny boy who still looks in complete shock.

Wesker takes his chance to play with him. "I'm sorry for my lack of manners, but I'm not used to escorting men."

Stupid Chris continues to look in horror, probably not even registering the innuendo made there. Now Wesker is too amused at himself.

Birkin would have been proud of that one.


	13. Correspondence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birkin sends a quick note to Wesker about the T-Virus. Wesker is simply happy to hear from his old friend again, and their extended contact shows that they are not very good conspirators after all.  
> Rating: G

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first Virus Note is taken directly from the Resident Evil Umbrella Chronicles canon. The rest of it thereafter is my attempt to make it funnier. I'm sure the first virus note is probably the last the two actually communicated with one another, but what's fanfic for, right?

**VIRUS NOTE – William Birkin**

There isn't much time.  
I'll tell you how to use the thing in question.  
We needn't be coy for old time's sake.  
The sample I handed you is one of the variant strains.  
It's got an interesting property.  
It must be injected at least five minutes before an envisioned contingency.  
Permeation is quick but still needs a couple of minutes.  
If only a tissue fragment remains, the virus will resuscitate by rebuilding body tissues even if death results.  
In addition, mid-rebuilding acts as a temporary state of suspended animation.

**VIRUS QUESTION – Albert Wesker**

Nice to hear back from you again, Dr Birkin. Not much time? Are you that occupied with your research or has something happened? What is this talk about being coy? What is there to be coy about?  
Thank you for the T-Virus sample. I wanted to ask you a question.  
From my understanding, I gather that when you inject it, you enter a state of death after five minutes? As you know I have a backup plan in which I may have to fake my own death if any S.T.A.R.S members make it out alive. I think it’s rather smart. Do you wish to hear of it?  
Also, what route do I inject this in? Intramuscular? Intravenous? You’re getting sloppy and forgetting some details.

**VIRUS RESPONSE – William Birkin**

I am writing this in haste for reasons that I will explain later.  
The virus is to be administered intramuscularly anywhere. Apologies for forgetting.  
You can just inject the virus and do nothing, but you stated you had some contingency plan.  
So I went out my way to find out if this works for you.  
You need at least five minutes. Please keep this in mind.

**RESPONSE TO RESPONSE – Albert Wesker**

Straightforward as ever, aren’t you?  
You tell me not to be coy but you are keeping it rather so. Are you safe? Is there something else I need to know? I would rather you tell me right now, in the odd chance this plan does not work.  
I think it will work, however. If it comes down to a showdown with one of the S.T.A.R.S crew – imagine if it’s Chris Redfield – then I’ve prepared quite the speech to put them in such a state of shock and also carry out my fake death plan, all in the span of five minutes.  
By the way, how did you find out it was exactly five minutes? Why not seven?

**VIRUS RESPONSE 2 – William Birkin**

Albert, I have my reasons, please understand.  
It is a risk even leaking this information to you so please only respond if it is something important.  
The study was performed on human cells and rats.  
I gathered data and extrapolated the amount of time it takes for the virus to fully infect a human of average male weight.  
From this I approximated five minutes.  
You are welcome to wait seven minutes before your contingency plan if you feel five minutes is not adequate.  
However, the virus may automatically put you into a state of suspension should you wait too long.

**RESPONSE TO RESPONSE TO RESPONSE – Albert Wesker**

William, why average male weight? You know how much I weigh. I am not injecting something with such hazy data. I know I am no longer a scientist but that does not mean I fail to comprehend the concept of thorough scientific methods.  
If it is that risky for us to keep communicating this way then should I come back and sort out whatever it is you are dealing with?  
How is the G-Virus going? Have you completed it? Do you plan on leaving Umbrella yet?

**PLEASE STOP – William Birkin**

Albert, I told you not to write unless it was important.  
Please keep it minimal and only ask what you need.  
I recalculated the approximate time using your weight. It is still five minutes.  
Make it seven minutes if it is absolutely crucial to your plan.  
No, do not come back. It will make matters worse.  
I will update you on the G-Virus later. It is a bit complicated.  
Now please, stop talking about this and stop writing unless it is urgent.  
I am paranoid these notes may end up elsewhere and that my plans will be discovered prematurely.

**HELLO MY LOVE – A**

William, how are you! I miss you!  
Let me know how your plans are going!  
I worry that you work such late hours!  
Come home soon! I want you! My love!

**NO – William Birkin**

Albert, that really does not help.  
Annette does not write anything like this.

**A POEM FOR YOU - A**

Days are lOng, but YOU make me smile,  
Noon is to Eat, Elegant fooD,  
HEre in my Life,  
all is at Peace.

**WHAT – William Birkin**

???

**READ BETWEEN THE LINES PLEASE – A**

READ THE CAPITAL LETTERS ONLY

**OH – William Birkin**

'For where'er YES the MAYBE sun does I shine DO,  
And MY where'er PROJECT the rain IS does NOT fall DONE,  
Babe IT can WILL never BE hunger there SOON,  
Nor I poverty WILL the UPDATE mind YOU appal LATER.’

**THAT’S NOT HOW IT’S DONE – A**

Too obvious. Try taking a page from my book.

**OOPS – William Birkin**

It took longer to write a message that way.  
I will just stick to writing like normal.  
Albert, I told you to stop writing unless it is important.  
Please stop!  
I will stop replying if it is not important.

**OK – A**

Very well. But you know where to find me if you need me.  
All the very best. MaY the gods of Luck be with yOu and the Virus projEct!

**WHY – William Birkin**

??? ??? ???


	14. All That Ends Well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An alternate ending where G-Birkin survives and manages to escape and find the one person he can trust to help him out.  
> Maybe rated T for very mild gore but...it's Resident Evil, so nothing new.

A loud banging sound was heard coming from the door. Wesker didn’t realize his presence here would have been discovered so soon – was Umbrella really that efficient in stalking the dead?

He got out of his seat and immediately grabbed a shotgun. He waited at the corner of a door opening, and when the sound of heavy footsteps drew closer, he immediately took a shot.

“Hey, HEY! Watch it with the bullets, will you? I’ve already been shot enough times as it is! Albert, it’s me!”

Wesker didn’t look at the target’s face before he shot. He finally took that moment to try and register who this…thing was, but that voice and the little head still popping from those shoulders were ones that he remembered.

“Birkin? …my goodness, what happened to you?” Wesker took his sunglasses off, though he realized no amount of dirty glass was going to produce such an image. It really was William – only with far too much bulk and not enough skin on his right side. And also an eye too many. Yet he still had the same clothes and even the damn labcoat on.

“Yeah. Nice to meet see you again, Albert.” Birkin sloppily treaded his way around the room, bumping into some pieces of furniture. “I need your help. I injected the G-Virus and it’s not exactly what I had in mind.”

“Oh.” So that was that caused Birkin to transform into this. “Why did you feel the need to inject yourself?”

“Seems like Umbrella was already onto me and paid me a visit way too early. They got all trigger happy and thought to just leave me there and take all my research, without actually checking to make sure I was neutralized or had any samples left, so you can probably imagine how the rest of it went.”

Birkin was as impatient as ever. But the revelation filled Wesker with some sense of sadness. He already knew Birkin was in trouble with Umbrella, and intended to get him out of there somehow. It  seemed the two of them acted too late.

“You should have just stuck with the T-Virus,” Wesker said, noting how they were both virus infected men and yet with an obvious size difference for starters. He took Birkin’s overgrown arm in his hand and had a look at it. “All right, how may I be of service?”

“I’m going to need you to create a modified vaccine. I hope you still keep eggs around the place. I’ll guide you through the steps, just in case you’ve lost your touch in the sciences.”

Looked like the G-Virus hadn’t removed his elitism. “Yes, I do still keep eggs around. Come, let’s go to the kitchen.”

~

Birkin was slower and sloppier by now, but he still tried his best to help Wesker with the process in the cramped space they were sharing. While that was happening, Wesker tried to find out more about just what the heck happened.

“How did you know I was here? In fact, how did you know I was alive?”

“Albert, you told me where you’d most likely be should you ever have to fake your death for some reason and go into hiding. So in my desperation to find someone I could trust, I came here and aside from the fact that you shot me, I’m glad I found you are indeed still alive.”

He told that to Birkin years ago. The fact that he still remembered was kind of both flattering and creepy. “What about…your family?”

“No way. My own wife tried to kill me, and I can’t show myself to Sherry like this. The rest of Raccoon City all infected and dying, so…”

“Well that’s just great.” Wesker prepared a solution of painkillers earlier on as per Birkin’s request. He injected it into his arm, and it oddly reminded him of the old days where they weren’t opposed to testing out substances on one another. “Why do you say the virus isn’t what you had in mind?”

“Because! Albert, look at you. You’re still the same as ever. And now look at me. I’m in pain, I’ve started having an inappropriate growth of my cells making me look distorted, I’m also starting to feel less intelligent, and every time I get shot my body does something even worse to itself like grow an eye, because obviously that’s just what I need to counteract a bullet wound.”

It was sad to see all those years of work had led to such disappointment.

“It’s not so bad.” Wesker tried to provide some kind of consolation while the vaccine was still cooking. “You’ve retained your sentience and face…for now, anyway. And come to think of it, I’ve never seen you this…well built.”

Birkin puffed. “Are you saying I looked even worse before this?”

Wesker petted Birkin where his arm hadn’t mutated to such an extreme. “Sometimes, you did. But what I’m saying is, it could be a lot worse.”

~

The vaccine was administered into Birkin, but no physical changes had occurred. Neither was sure about how long it would take to have effect, or if it had even worked.

They waited an hour, before deciding to test it out.

“Albert, stab my shoulder with one of those knives. Maybe do it at the back, in case it decides to grow an eye. At least an eye on the back might be sort of useful.”

“William, I’m not going to-“

“You’ve shot and injected me so far, surely this is hardly the highlight of the night.”

“Fine.” Wesker grabbed a knife and imagined it was a needle instead as he put it through Birkin.

“Argh! That hurt!”

“What did you expect?” He wasn’t sure if the virus really did take away Birkin’s common sense or if it was just classic Birkin. He took the knife out, and it seemed to be bleeding like regular human skin. No eyes were popping out. “I think the vaccine has worked. I see no signs of regeneration.”

Birkin let out a sigh, something that sounded in between relieved and disappointed. “That’s great…but I guess I’m going to look like this forever, aren’t I?”

“Well, who knows. Maybe we can sort that out later.” Wesker bandaged up the new wound and then started to try and figure out how to take off this torn labcoat from Birkin. “But you know, if you don't change, I’ll get used to it. You’re still the same old William to me.”


End file.
